My baby is eight months old. How did that happen? I feel like our life is in fast forward and I occasionally get a summary of what has happened. I birthed him in April. I am still living in April. I am still living breath to breath, in April. I am still so haunted by April. At 30 weeks I wrote a post about how I felt this ominous situation approaching, not knowing what was to come. What I wrote to you in that post, I had never felt, or been scared of, during my first pregnancy. It turned out to be the worst kind of foreshadowing. The kind that rocks you. The terrifying type. I had no idea while I was writing that post I would bring him earthside just four weeks later. Four. With nine days in the NICU. I spent those nine days counting every droplet and ounce of my milk. And counting every droplet and ounce he ate. I was trying to be a mom in a world where only numbers and science matters. “Nursing on-demand” is crazy talk and by golly you WILL follow the schedule. My baby is healthy now with no developmental delays. He is a healthy weight and height. He is a happy boy. But a mamas heart bears all wounds. It is scarred by past battles, but never forgets what it is like to be “in the trenches”. Our story has such a happy ending, we did not lose him and he is surpassing his full-term comrades. So….why am I still haunted?
Haunted. December 25, 2013